Sorry for the block of text, but I need to get this off my chest and to ask you all for help.
So, for some context, I’ve struggled with a fear that I’ve committed the unforgivable sin on and off for years now. I have GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) so that’s most likely why. I’ve been in a bad state of mind recently and last week or so, I realized I just felt numb. And that’s terrifying in a weird way.
Like, before, I’d actively worry that I’d blasphemed the holy spirit because of some stupid things I said during a period of time where I didn’t believe in God, among other things my anxiety convinced me was blasphemy.
As of a week or two ago, I don’t feel that anxiety anymore. But not in a good way. It isn’t relief or realizing that I haven’t committed the sin. I feel so numb. I feel like I don’t care about God anymore. I’ve always heard that if you’re worried you’ve committed the unforgivable sin then you haven’t, but now that I don’t feel that anxiety and it’s been replaced by an overwhelming emptiness that almost feels like apathy my only proof I hadn’t done it is gone.
I used to get at least mildly anxious at the mere mention of the unforgivable sin and now, before I posted this, I was scrolling through this subreddit, I saw TWO posts talking about the unforgivable sin and I felt nothing.
I feel like God has left me and stopped convicting my heart. I feel so alone and hopeless. I feel like I force myself to pray everyday because I want to cling on to what little hope I have that I’m not damned forever. I don’t know if God has actually left me or not but it sure feels like it.
Why? Why is this happening? I hadn’t spoken against the holy spirit before the numbness started to my knowledge, so why??? Why do I feel like God isn’t convicting me of sin anymore? Why do I feel like God isn’t drawing me to him anymore?
All I can think of that I’ve done wrong is some intrusive blasphemous thoughts while trying to pray (again, GAD) and one other thing. I was reading an article about said blasphemous thoughts and the article mentioned something along the lines of “exposure therapy” for religious OCD (again, not quite my scenario but similar regardless) and gives an example of someone who, afraid of commiting the unforgivable sin, speaks their intrusive thoughts in order to make them see that they’re not all that important (not a great strategy, I know) and having read this I imagined myself saying an insult to the Holy Spirit out loud, and, while I decided that I could never bring myself to do that, I did willingly think an insult against God for that. Is that why? Is that why I feel so numb? I doubt it, that happened after the numbness started, but I’m mentioning it just in case it’s relevant.
What is happening to me? Why do I feel this way? It’s ruining my life and I feel miserable. I want to believe in God and to put my trust and faith in Jesus Christ and to be filled with the Holy Spirit but it feels forced and not genuine. I feel like I’m forcing myself to because I don’t feel God drawing me to him anymore. Help me. Please. I feel like if I’m not forcing myself to think and worry about this then I’ll just stop caring and be truly lost.